Anxiety. When I sit there curled-up in one corner, unable to do anything that I had set out to do when the day began, I know the demon that I will be dealing with. Life was not like this for me before. I was never a ball of nerves back then. Wonder what happened? When it happened? All I know now is that I have to deal with this one way or the other, if I am to ever reclaim myself.
One too many times I have had people tell me that ‘I just need to relax.’ I wish it were that simple. It is frustrating to explain to others the chaos that goes on inside of you, when you yourself have a hard time making sense of it. I have had days when I had so many things to do and places to visit, and people to engage with. But I would somehow end up on my bathroom floor, pouring water over my head, trying and failing to convince myself that I can do it.
Confidence is not exactly an issue for me. There are days when I can ride a horse with a sword in hand, and then one day, suddenly, I will start overthinking and worrying about everything around me. That is the funny thing about growing up. As a kid, we are bold and unabashed about what people may think about us and our views. As adults, we just want to be liked by all. I guess, most of us have unknowingly turned into doormats. We are just so afraid of not being liked that we literally just lie flat for others to walk all over us.
While trying to deal with my anxiety, I had to do a lot of soul searching. I had to re-learn how to listen to myself without letting the noise of the outside world drown out my thoughts.
On weekends when I stayed curled up in my bed, my mind would constantly be buzzing with things to do and plans that were made and how I was not doing enough, not planning enough, or simply not being enough. And at the last thought, I would pause. Since when did I stop being ‘enough’? And with that question, I would start making my way out of the spiral.
What many do not understand is that the struggle is real. ‘Calming down’ is not that easy. It is one day at a time. ‘One wasted weekend to an amazing week ahead’ at a time. We need to start acknowledging the seriousness of the problem and not patronize people by saying ‘it is not a big deal.’ Trust me, this is a giant BIG deal. This is a life’s worth of big deal and it needs to be dealt with accordingly.
(Photo Credits: Reneé Thompson on Unsplash)